Day 24

Well, from the 9^th of January it has been an interesting journey.   A journey of sobriety, a journey toward a better life, if I chose it.  Reflecting back on the past four weeks I have so much to be thankful for. Firstly I wish to thank everyone who has taken this journey with me, my family and friends who have supported me, the staff and doctors at the hospital who have treated me with the dignity and respect.  I have found my spirit on this new path in my life and I wish to share my happiness and enthusiasm with all of you who have chosen to take a minute out of your day to read my thoughts.  I truly feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and as I turn 30 tomorrow a new world awaits me. 

Namaste.

Day 8 - Motivation

Motivation

So after detox comes a whole lot of time to sit around and think, or to do something.  I have opted for the latter.  I am writing a 3000 word Social Work assignment, but that isn’t enough.  I find that all those hours I was drinking I have free now, even in between educational sessions.  Thus far today I have walked 5km on a treadmill, done an hour of yoga, swam 1km and am planning to do body pump tonight.  I am lucky enough to have a free 7 day pass to the local pool and gym.   But I am worried about what I’m going to do when I get back to Maffra… any suggestions. Is anyone interested in cycling or swimming with me?  Any good gyms in the area?  Help me people.  

Day 5 - Guilt

Guilt.  It’s a word that resonates with me strongly.  We talked about guilt today in group and I have a whole lot to feel guilty for.  The most part of the things I feel guilty for are the things I’ve said or done when I was drunk.  I was a messy drunk.  I was loud and obnoxious, I was insulting, I was sometimes physically violent toward the ones I love.  Here’s the upside.  Sharing my journey of rehab and recovery is alleviating a lot of that guilt.  Knowing someone is sitting there reading this and thinking “Oh that’s why Ang was such an arse that night (or day)” gives me faith that slowly, slowly, people can forgive me for all the wrongs I have done to them, or all the times I’ve embarrassed them.  I will extend an apology here to anyone who I have ever done wrong by as part of my drinking.  I might not remember how I hurt you, or what I did or said, but from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.  I am sorry that I have hidden the truth from so many people and I am sorry that it has taken me this long to ask for your forgiveness. 

Day 4

Well today I learned one main thing.  Our minds are stronger than our bodies, and when your Mum tells you “It’s mind over matter”, it’s usually true.  Today I spent my sessions learning about CBT or cognitive behavioural therapy.  One challenges their reflex thoughts.  Say you’re at a party and you say hi to someone and they don’t say hi back.  What do you think?  “How rude” or “OMG what have I done that he/she won’t talk to me?” or “She/he thinks they’re so much better than me, what a wanker”.  The truth of the matter is yes it could be any of those things, but it might simply be that the person didn’t hear you and that all of those thoughts were wrong.  I’m not saying that every negative thought can be turned into a positive, I’m just saying I learned a new way of thinking today through CBT.  Funny, I studied Psychology at University on the theoretical side, but now using the tools that I’m given is making all the difference.  I spent the rest of the afternoon studying up for an upcoming essay that at the beginning of the day I was catastrophising about, but through CBT and positive thoughts I think I really made some progress at it.  My valium was lowered again today, and I’m still feeling relatively OK, but I have to say that reality is setting in.  I miss the drink right now, but like I said, mind over matter, right? 

Day 3 part 2

What a wonderful and informative morning I had.  For health education this morning we learned about the different kinds of dispositions people can have to drugs and alcohol and how that builds up to create an addiction; for example: Someone who has a mild genetic predisposition and a stable childhood environment would have to use much more of a drug or alcohol to become and addict, whereas a person who has a high genetic predisposition and an unstable childhood environment might only have to use a substance a few times to become addicted.  Given that I put myself in the earlier category, I must have drunk a shit load of alcohol over the years to get to this point.  On that note, I just saw the doctor who gave me a clean bill of physical health, so there is nothing standing in my way now!  

Our second session today focused on the positive and negative pro's and con's of changing your substance abuse behaviour.  After drawing up the matrix, there were a hell of a lot of reasons to drink and a hell of a lot not to drink.  I guess I just need to draw up that matrix for myself and identify my own risk and reward areas.  

I have to say that I am in the clinic with an interesting bunch of people, some who I will get along with and some that I will need to avoid (ie. the elderly lady who doesn't wear underwear and wears a nightgown all day).  

In closing I would just like to thank everyone who has wished me well in my journey and just keep reading. x Ang

Day 3

Well today is officially day three of my stay and I can honestly say that I woke up in a very good mood.  I fell asleep last night at 9:30, before my night time medication and the nurses let me sleep through and came in and took the half opened book off my bed and turned out the light and TV instead of waking me up to take my meds.  I slept through until 7am this morning when the cleaners woke me up. What an accomplishment.  I never sleep that well when I am drinking.  Tick for that box.  Today I start my drug and alcohol rehab program, which involves going to seminars and classes that tell you how bad the drugs and alcohol of choice really are for you., but they also teach you life skills that will help you stay sober.  I’ve heard it all before, but I obviously need to hear again how I’m going to have a slow and painful death, or even a quick one, but a premature death all the same.  I really appreciate the staff in here, they are caring and helpful and all that they want to do is see you get better.  I’ll write later and let you all know how my first day of classes went.

Day 2

Today has been a day mostly spent in solitude and self-reflection, and pondering why I might have started a fairly revealing blog at 5am this morning. I guess I am trying to let everyone who wants to know in on my journey. Those friends on Facebook who I never see because over the years I have burnt a lot of bridges with my drinking and the safest way to stay my friend is to be a Facebook friend. To those people I would like to extend a sincere apology, and this is my way of putting it right. Even more than my friends, my family who have stuck by me through this debilitating disease and taken the good with the bad… that is the good when I am sober and the very messy bad when I’m drinking. To my mother and all of my siblings, thank you. Words cannot express how I feel for you and for what you have done for me. Well I guess today is officially day two, I’m still fairly fuzzy from the valium, but that will not be such a high dose tomorrow and they say that the third day is the hardest, so I’m in for a challenge! Bring it on I say. The strength I am feeling now is indescribable. I finally feel like I’ve got a real chance in combating this monster called alcoholism. And to my friends that I have lost through this process, have confidence that I am coming out of these four weeks a woman with new resolve who won’t be the embarrassing drunk friend, but rather the friendly sober driver. To all of those that have seen me fall down so many times that you think I will never pick myself up, I say watch me and you just might be pleasantly surprised.